You’ve probably seen it (or lived it).
A woman shares a firm opinion in a meeting and gets labeled “rude” or “aggressive”.
Her male colleague says the same thing and gets praised for being decisive.
Why is assertiveness celebrated in men but questioned in women?
Welcome to the likability trap.
The trap looks like this:
- If you’re direct, you’re “difficult.”
- If you’re careful, you’re “too soft.”
- If you speak up, you’re “intense.”
- If you don’t, you’re “not leadership material.”
Men are allowed a wider range of tones, moods, and volume. Women are expected to land squarely in “pleasant” at all times.
Here’s the truth:
Being liked often gets tied to being promotable. And that’s a problem.
So what can we do?
No, not smile more (although a smile feels good).
Not start every sentence with “just.” (ditch that word).
Instead, let’s get strategic. Here are three ways to avoid the likability trap:
- Separate likability from credibility
They’re not the same thing. You can be respected without being everyone’s favorite. You’re allowed to hold boundaries. You can say “no” when it serves you. Being clear doesn’t make you cold. It makes you effective. - Build goodwill before you need it
The more trust and goodwill you’ve built with people around you, the easier it is to speak plainly when it counts. Invest in relationships. Not performatively, but so that when you push back, it’s not the first time they’ve heard your voice. - Reclaim your labels
If someone calls you “intense,” try this: “I care deeply about doing this right.”
If they say “you’re direct,” try: “I try to be clear.”
These aren’t flaws. They’re strengths with bad PR.
The likability trap isn’t going away anytime soon. But you don’t have to play along.
You are equipt to be respected and more profitable.
