Q. “When something goes wrong on my team at work, everyone gets defensive and blames one another. We typically do a project debrief, and sometimes I get defensive because I want to do a good job. How can I avoid the uncomfortable blame game and set a better example for my teammates, even though I’m not in charge?” – Lauren, 27
A. Lauren, the fact that you’re noticing this pattern and want to break it shows authentic leadership, even if you’re not formally in charge.
The key is shifting the team’s focus from who messed up to what happened and how the team can improve. When you feel that defensive instinct rising (we’ve all been there!) in a debrief, try this:
- Start with the positive. Begin debrief sessions by reminding everyone of the project goal and the value of being curious about what actually happened. With an upbeat attitude, begin by asking, “What went well?” Be specific…and celebrate it!
- Identify what didn’t go well. Maybe it was a missed deadline, a budget overrun, or quality control issues. Every project has things that went well and those that didn’t. Don’t sweat it. It’s all part of the process of working, innovating, and growing. Interestingly, learning from mistakes is often the most valuable part of a project.
- Use powerful questions. “Why” questions can put others on the defensive, such as “Why did Nick do it that way?” or “Why are we making the same mistake over and over?” Instead, when you use “what” and “how” questions, you invite more curiosity. These types of powerful questions are short, simple, and open-ended:
- What other options can we explore?
- How might we approach it differently next time?
- What additional resources do we need to budget for?
- Take ownership. Acknowledge something you could have done differently first. It doesn’t have to be major—“I realize I could have flagged that timeline concern earlier” or “Next time I’ll ask clarifying questions upfront.” This does two things: it models vulnerability and signals that the goal is improvement, not finger-pointing.
- Reframe negativity. Redirect blame-y comments by reframing them. If someone says, “This failed because Sarah didn’t update the spreadsheet,” try responding with “What could we put in place so critical updates don’t get missed?” It takes the heat off individuals and focuses on systems and processes.
When you remain positive and share your own missteps openly, you’re giving others permission to do the same without fear. Over time, this approach can shift the entire team culture. People often match the energy in the room—if you stay curious and solution-focused rather than defensive, others are more likely to follow.
Practice these simple techniques during your next project debrief and notice how they can shift the group dynamic and conversation (and let me know how it goes!).
You’re equipt to avoid the blame game.
