Q. I used to work at a tech company with a woman who was not easy to get along with. And truth be told, she was ego-driven, had shady relationships with suppliers, and never acted like a team player. Rather, she was mainly interested in how she was perceived and how she could advance. She ultimately left the company (as did I), and she worked for a few other companies. Those were all short stints–less than a year at each of them. Then, four years later, I learned that she was joining the company I worked for and would be my new boss. Ugh. My internal dialog is through the roof.
When her hiring was announced, my new colleagues found out we had worked together and asked me about her. And before I could pause and gather my thoughts, I blurted out, “This is not great.” Then I caught myself. I wish I hadn’t said anything, and now I feel compelled to fix it. I wish I had thought of something–anything to recover in that moment.
What can I do to fix this, and how will I navigate this new dynamic with someone I don’t respect but will have control over my future here? – Dominque, 31
A: It’s great that you caught yourself. So kudos for only spitting out a handful of words when you might have been compelled to say more. You’re still relatively early in your career, but you’ll notice that former colleagues become new colleagues again and again–especially if you remain in the same industry. That’s why the English proverb “Never burn bridges” still rings true today.
If you could turn back time (and we know you can’t), the best in-the-moment recovery could be: “Sorry–that was a knee-jerk reaction. I actually didn’t work with her for long, so I don’t have much experience to share.” Pause and then change the topic. Done. Over. Don’t bring it up again. Otherwise, it creates more of a spotlight than it deserves.
You didn’t mention who was sitting there when you spoke, and whether there was someone important to you–someone you trust or someone whose opinion of you matters. If so, stop by their desk or give them a call. You could say, “Hey, I know I misspoke earlier. I am tired today and not at my best. Is there any damage done I need to be aware of, or can this be a thing of the past?” See where you stand. This person might have nuanced insight that can help you.
Most of all, focus on going forward. Here are 7 tips to ensure you restart with your former colleague, now new boss, on the right footing:
- Pause and reset. Treat your past impressions as limited data, not fixed facts. Four years combined with different jobs can change people and contexts. She could have grown as a leader, and you have certainly grown, so demonstrate that at every turn.
- Avoid gossip. Don’t volunteer negative stories and resist being baited with “scoop from her past” inquiries. If asked directly, be factual, brief, and neutral. You could say, “We only overlapped briefly years ago.”
- Prepare to manage up. Assume professionalism: clarify priorities, deliverables, and expectations early. Ask for one-on-one time to align on goals and how she prefers to work. In your first meeting, you could say, “I want to align on priorities and how you like to run things. My top projects are currently X; what would you like me to focus on?” Once you have her feedback, conclude with, “How often would you like to meet, and is there a format you prefer for our 1:1, or would you like me to propose one?”
- Build trust incrementally. Look for small chances to be useful and observe her style before making judgments. Deliver quality work and hit your deadlines. Be proactive in communicating with her if you foresee issues with either. Most of all, no surprises.
- Protect yourself. Keep records of assignments, decisions, and feedback. If you see unethical behavior, document specifics and use HR/ethics channels rather than rumors.
- Manage emotions privately. Use outside peers not affiliated with the company or industry, a mentor, or a coach to process frustration rather than venting at work.
- Craft a backup plan. If the situation proves toxic and unfixable, know your options. This could be an internal move to a new role, a job search, or potentially starting your own business. There are lots of options, and you don’t have to feel stuck in a role with a lousy manager. (To learn how to land a great boss, check out this newsletter I wrote earlier this year.)
We’ve all misspoke. It’s certainly not a career-ender. Not even close. While it might feel major now, it’s truly minor in the scheme of things.
Focus on what you learned here and show up with the utmost professionalism. I assure you that this former colleague/new boss will be impressed by your growth, maturity, and contributions to the company.
You are equipt to reset and thrive.
