I’m a people manager and pride myself on team members feeling comfortable opening up to me about their personal problems. But, sometimes, it goes too far, and I find myself ill-equipped to effectively guide them regarding their romantic relationships, health issues, or other sensitive topics unrelated to work. Naturally, I guide them to our Employee Resource Program, although that isn’t always sufficient. What can I do to support them but not feel overwhelmed?Brie, 32
A. I commend your empathy ❤️ and the trustworthy relationships you’ve built. Your colleagues feel safe and supported when they come to you. Frame the meeting at the beginning to help manage expectations and keep the conversation within boundaries you feel comfortable and competent advising on. Open the conversation by asking the employee what their goal is today– e.g., to be heard, to access resources, or something else. Then, make sure to limit the conversation to the scheduled time ⏰– 20-30 minutes is reasonable.
Remember, most people appreciate someone listening. 👂It can be comforting and healing to be seen and heard–even if you don’t say anything more than “I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds difficult.” That said, when the conversation moves into territory you’re uncomfortable with, you can say, “I’m sorry this is happening and for all you’re going through. I wish I could do more, but this is beyond my professional expertise. I’m not a mental health expert, and you deserve professional expertise.” Then, as you mentioned, refer them to your company’s Employee Assistance Program (EAP) and reputable online therapy and relational health companies. Here are a few popular ones:
Better Help → https://www.betterhelp.com/
Talkspace→https://www.talkspace.com/
Peoplehood→https://www.peoplehood.com/
Regain → https://www.regain.us/
Close the meeting by saying, “I’m glad you recognize the need for support, and you deserve an expert on this topic.” 👐
Last, consider if you are contributing to this ongoing challenge by encouraging or unconsciously inviting employees to come to you to vent. It sounds like you have a good grasp on this delicate balance. ⚖️
My company is 30% women. They all indicated they want a “women’s group,” and we have one that meets quarterly. However, many women show up and sit back and expect to “be led.” They don’t actually want to contribute to running it. None of us have extra time to do it, but as a leader in the company, it’s frustrating to receive constant feedback on what they want/expect from this group but are unwilling to help create it. Any feedback or suggestions are appreciated! Kathy, 48
A. You may have done this already, but if not, survey the group 📝 on what they want to accomplish by forming the group. Are they looking for mentorships, a safe place for candid dialogue, to change the culture, navigate workplace dynamics, gain access to inspiring speakers, or something else? Once you understand and align with the group’s primary purpose, you can set goals, create roles, and invite folks to raise their hands. Their engagement needs to be positioned as a growth opportunity that management supports and values.
Once you’re clear on the purpose, create a two-year program calendar. 📅 This shows leadership’s commitment to the group and gives them something to look forward to. Underscore the group’s importance by inviting cross-functional leaders or board members to share their leadership journeys and answer questions. Secure a budget that will allow for inviting external guest speakers and an experienced facilitator who can connect with and engage the group.
If a budget is not available, rotate responsibility for facilitating. Have a sign-up sheet with two co-leaders taking responsibility per gathering. You can coach them on their planning and approach; however, allow/require them to lead.
It helps to co-create guidelines 📋 for how the group wants to show up and interact. For example, these could include:
👉 Bring your best self.
👉 Everyone has a voice.
👉 Build on one other’s ideas.
👉 Commit to engage.
👉 Take action to grow.
Groups like these need structure to thrive. Create a simple format and use it consistently at each meeting. That way, minimal prep time is required, and there’s less pressure on the people leading the discussion. Also, the group will know how things flow at every meeting and quickly opt in or out. For example:
- Use prompts or icebreakers that get people connecting right out of the gate.
- Share individual progress or “wins” since the last meeting
- Focus on one topic that allows for Q&A.
- Summarize with 2-3 action items or next steps
- Allow 10-15 minutes for networking.
And don’t forget the power of music to set a fun vibe, and good snacks put everyone in a good mood!
Don’t be deterred by resistance or skepticism. Focus on why the group is coming together, give them the structure to succeed, and coach them along the way. They will take their cue from YOU and how you show up. 💪
You got this!
