It’s Thanksgiving week, so I’m certain your various feeds and inboxes are probably overloaded with messages of gratitude. That’s great because gratitude is one of the easiest, fastest (and free!) ways to improve mental and physical health. Enjoy your turkey and journal away! 🦃✨

I’d like to take a moment to share a different message — to counter the divisive, sometimes aggressive, and outright cruel discourse that’s playing out in our country, our institutions, and our communities. Today, we’re inundated by role models who no longer model and leaders who no longer lead. 

That should be concerning for every human. 

I wasn’t surprised recently when a 30-something HR leader confided to me that her boss told her she needed to become “more mean.” (Yep, he said that.) To give him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps this Millennial boss lacked the proper words (assertive? firm?), was in a hurry, or just clueless.

Regardless, it’s flat-out terrible advice. 

Even if he thought his HR leader was a softie, it’s still terrible. She explained to me that a senior leader was exiting the company and making irrational demands on her, trying to bully her and change the terms of a pre-existing contract. Despite these aggressive behaviors, becoming “mean” isn’t the way to handle him or anyone. It could lead to undesirable consequences, such as the senior leader becoming combative, an increased risk of legal action, or negative word of mouth. Nobody needs any of those things.

So, what can this determined HR leader do? 

She can practice an approach I learned from a well-known coach I worked with for almost two decades: to communicate with clarity, directness, and compassion. It sounds simple, but it’s not easy to incorporate all three in a single conversation. I’ve always been decent at clarity and directness, but sometimes lack compassion–especially when I was the CEO of a fast-paced digital agency. My lack of compassion wasn’t that I didn’t care; it was that I was moving too quickly, trying to accomplish too many things. I was always in get-shit-done mode, and that sometimes came off as uncaring. Needless to say, becoming more compassionate helped me grow as a leader and a person. (And I still consciously work on this today.)

Consider these three scenarios if only one dimension of the triad were utilized:

• If you rely only on clarity, others will understand your message. However, you may hedge (lacking directness). And without acknowledging the other person’s situation, you may lack compassion in your delivery.
• If you rely only on directness, others will know you’re not messing around. But they may not fully understand your message. Directness in isolation is typically seen as blunt, rude (or mean).
• If you rely only on compassion, others may feel you deeply care about them. Yet the absence of clarity and directness may signal they can walk all over you. 

Threading each of these dimensions into a single conversation, this HR leader could say something like this:

• “Simon, I understand your frustration with the contract terms, and I recognize this is a difficult situation. [lead with compassion]
• When an employee resigns, the exit terms in their existing contract apply. In your case, that means the terms you signed three years ago will govern your departure. [clarify the facts]
• I’m not able to negotiate different terms. The Board requires consistent application of contracts, and I can’t make exceptions. [directness about the boundary]
• I know this isn’t what you were hoping for. Your work here has mattered, and while the contract terms are set, I’m here to support you through the transition process and answer any questions.” [close with compassion]

This sequence matters because starting with empathy keeps defenses lower. Following with clarity prevents “but you didn’t explain…” pushback later. Adding directness softens the blow because you have already explained the “why” and aren’t asserting arbitrary authority. Closing with support leaves the relationship intact even when the answer is no. 

And if Simon tries to steamroll, she can return to the directness section without repeating herself or getting emotional: “Simon, as I said, I’m not able to negotiate different terms.“

Being mean is weak leadership disguised as a strength. It’s lazy. It creates liability. And it’s how you’re remembered. We’re done with mean girls (and guys). 👋

I think you want more for yourself. Your company. And our country. 

I know I do.

You’re equipt to communicate with clarity, directness and compassion.