Q. I work closely with a colleague on cross-functional projects, and lately his behavior has shifted from friendly to flirty. He’s started calling me by a nickname I don’t use at work, compliments my appearance, and recently asked me to grab drinks. I don’t want to overreact since we still have to collaborate regularly, but I also don’t want to encourage this. How do I set a clear boundary without making it awkward? – Romelia, 25
A: Romelia, he’s testing you. The nickname, the compliments, the drink invite: He’s pushing boundaries to gauge your interest and to see what you’ll let slide. You don’t need to be overly harsh, and you don’t need a confrontational smackdown. You need a few small, consistent corrections that make your boundary obvious (without ever saying the word ‘boundary’).
- Start with the nickname. Next time he uses it, correct him in real time, lightly: “It’s Romelia. I keep it professional at work.” Said once, unemotionally, with direct eye contact, in front of others if possible, does more work than any private conversation would.
- Don’t engage with the compliments. If they are not welcome, do not reply with “thanks” and definitely don’t deflect with a joke, which reads as flirting back even when it isn’t. Redirect immediately to work: “Did you get a chance to look at the deck?” Don’t worry about being cold. You’re being someone who chooses not to discuss appearance at work.
- Decline unwanted invitations. Say “no” the way you’d decline anything you’re not going to seriously consider today or in the future: “I don’t do one-on-one drinks with colleagues, but happy to grab coffee if we need to talk through the project.” No apology, no over-explaining. Keep it straight to the point.
- Escalate if he persists. If he doesn’t get the message, and there’s a possibility he won’t, take notes. Keep track of the dates, what he said (or did), and how you responded. If his behavior doesn’t change, he thinks the rules don’t apply to him. After several attempts to redirect him, make your manager aware of the situation and loop in HR.
At just 25 years old, you’re only beginning to see the awkward and unwelcome moments that can arise in the workplace. When I was your age, it was never discussed, so most of us kept these icky moments to ourselves or laughed out loud, pretending to be unflappable.
Thankfully, it’s become more commonplace to squelch this behavior and for organizations to hold employees accountable for their actions.
Here’s the thing I want you to internalize: YOU are allowed to be the person who makes this slightly uncomfortable for him. You’re not the one making it weird. He made it weird when he decided to flirt and ignore your lack of interest. Your responsibility is to consistently make the work relationship the only relationship you’re interested in, until he gets the message or you have grounds to escalate it to someone who will intervene.
You are equipt to end unwelcome flirtation.
